Can't Run From The Truth

Finding a good guy isn't easy...
But I managed to find one..
He treats me like gold, makes me laugh, appreciates me, adores me, respects me and everything I always dreamed of!
However, something was missing.

I've been in love before and I know what it feels like.
It makes you crazy, makes you dreamy,
makes you selfless and brings out the absolute best in you..
Has you wanting to do things you never imaged before..

Unfortunatley, I have not found that in this man..
and I'm not willing to settle for anything less than what I felt before.

Although it broke my heart, Me and my latest have decided to just stay friends.
Did I make a mistake? Who knows..
I might've just missed out on a great guy.
Call me a dreamer, but I'm still waiting for that feeling to return..

Until Next Time.........

:)

Breaking Bad Finale Predictions

I am a little (too) obsessed with Breaking Bad and well, since I have to wait until September 2nd for the next episode.. I can't help but to think of the possible finale predictions..

So, before the finale actually happens.. here are my predictions! (You heard it here first) or *read

a) Hank will find out that Walt is Heisenberg and will tell him to run away.. and in that case, Walt will (He is seen celebrating his 55th birthday [three from now] by himself at a Dennys far away) run away and build a new empire.

b) Walt will kill Jesse and then fleed to a far away State because his family will come to know.
So its gonna be ironic that Walt started his as a dying man...yet he lives and Jesse dies as a result...but Walt moves forward and leaves his past behind.

c) Walt is going to die because things will come full circle again with the whole cancer thing

he will have lost his business, his wife and family so he will turn himself into Hank and then commit suicide.

 

..Im getting ready for the Finale.. Absolute end :( with a Breaking Bad party! Me and my friend are buying the chemical suits and gas masks and making blue meth candy LOL.. how sad :(.. but we are obsessed. Were saving it for Halloween too :)..

 

Weird but talking about Breaking Bad made me so happy.. very uplifting!

 

Ok bye!

Dark Side :(

Being sick, isolating yourself and being alone with your thoughts can be unhealthy.

I met with my Lawyer because he recieved my disclosure on my case... and ofcourse all those thoughts are now running through my head. I hate not knowing what is going to happen and waiting for the verdict. It makes me so nervous and makes me feel sick. I thought I got over the whole DUI Depression but it seems that its making its way back. I start to hate myself all over again and want to wake up from this terrible nightmare.

Even someone as optimistic as me is starting to worry. I am grateful that I didn't kill anyone and yes I have definitley learned such a big lesson but its just so hard to deal with. I start to have feelings of worthlessness and start remembering that I am in fact, a convict! How terrible does that sound? I never thought this day would come, ever. I really am hoping my trial goes well and that everything will be back to normal. The good news is that I can start driving again very soon and I cannot wait for that moment.

:(

Sick

I will probably be posting a lot more now because I am bed-ridden sick! I don't think I will be this sick for much longer, maybe another 3 or 4 days. I don't know what came over me or how it happened but it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I feel so shitty!

I have been dreaming about a lot of weird things since I have been sick. I guess it could be the NyQuil or it could just be me. I also hallucinate a bit during the day and find it hard to read things. Its so weird but in a way its kind of cool. :)

I've been sleeping and staying in bed a lot at home which has it cons and pros. PRO: Sleeping in bed with everyone at my beck and call for food and what-not. CON: My family can get very annoying when I just want to sit in silence. Aside from two of my friends, I am also annoyed with everyone text messaging me and calling me. For once, I just want to sit in silence and not answer to anybody.

Today is Day 1 without my phone and it feels so nice! I took some measures to make sure I do not turn my phone on and I am unable to send or recieve texts or phone calls. I don't have to answer to anybody or talk to anyone..finally! I can sleep and wake up whenever I want :)

I realized, I like being alone.

No Greater Love?

I know its been a short while.. but I have really been questioning my thoughts lately.
Thing with Mike are going well and we do have a second date planned to go to the CNE on Monday, .. but there is just one thing!

I came across this picture of Mike where he was taking the picture of himself in the mirror. THAT WAS THEE BIGGEST TURN-OFF FOR ME. It was an innocent picture but it just threw me right off. I mean, I dont even know how to take a picture in the mirror properly myself! I know I sound silly for saying this but I just don't like him as much anymore after that.

I don't know if Im making excuses because I don't want to be with anyone else, or if I truly am just turned off.. but I have noticed that I am distancing myself away from Mike now, and trying to avoid talking about going on our second date to the CNE.

Its so easy for me to get turned off by a guy, unfortunatley. Im not perfect myself. In fact, I'm pretty weird and I do a lot of gross things.... but I just cannot fake liking someone a lot when I'm just not feeling it.

It made me wonder, was Rob the only guy who (as nasty and filthy and smelly and perfect he was, I still loved him?) Will I find that again........ Is there no greater love?

Epiphany

I realized that soon after everything with Mike that I have been thinking about Rob and the possibility of reconciliation. I have also realized that it is absolutely normal for me to be thinking back on Rob because of this new man... its human nature to compare. I have been guilty of acting out on my thoughts of Rob and it has only lead me to realize one thing..... he doesn't care, and its time to move on.

I finally had an awakening today and feel the need to move on mentally too. My family still thinks I am with Rob because I don't have the heart to tell them I'm not. I have decided that this week I will tell my family the truth about Rob. The reason why I held back was because I never wanted anyone to think badly of him in case we did get back together.

Moving on means going full force. If I'm going to make this choice, I'm going to do it right. I have started by deleting his phone number from his phone today (which took a lot), but it is a start.

I am kind of excited to move on and see what else is out there........ weird, but it's something new for me.

Good-day!

1st Date

I haven't written in a while.. but now that I am, there is someone new in my life. I'm not going to be so quick to say that he is someone significant, because I have no idea. Lets call him 'Mike'. I was introduced to Mike not too long ago and we hit it off right away. 

Me and Mike hit it off for many reasons. Firstly, he is super-charming. I feel really comfortable in his presence and he has a strong mind. When we first met, I put him to the test. In my 'test' I look to see how strong a person's mind is. I challenge them on different topics such as: music, religion and random philosophy. I look to see if he is easily swayed (which is a big no no). I look to see that he is not afraid to disagree with me (because I hate people who agree to everything I say). Needless to say, he passed.. with flying colours! It turns out that he is keen about having such philosophical discussions-- (I melted). 

He is in Teacher's College wanting to become a Gym-Teacher but has plans to start many businesses on the side, in the near future. Ambitious (yes!). Well educated (bonus!). He is a dream to look at- without sounding mushy. He is one beautiful looking man. He has the most perfect face and smile. He works out everyday so its no surprise that his body is super-amazing as well. One thing I should have mentioned earlier- his birthday. Are you ready? Dun-Dun-DUN........... Valentines Day. Its not the fact that he is born on Valentine's Day.. but because that is one day apart from Rob's birthday. Yes, another Aquarius man. 

It seems that I only seem to be attracted to Aquarius men, but they have the strongest minds and biggest imaginations! I have 5 years experience in dealing with the most difficult Aquarius.. so I'm more than ready for this one. I already know how to handle these men (minimal contact, don't ask questions about what they are thinking, don't expect any emotion, expect them to withdraw, yada yada yada...)

Anyway, on the day of our first date I was working late until 9 and was thinking maybe we shouldn't meet up.. but he insisted and said he would pick me up from work around 9. I agreed. (I'm going to cut the entire story so its shorter)

We made it to the theatre parking lot but didn't want to get out of the car because we were having such a good conversation. We went in anyway. Once we sat down it, I thought it would be awkward (considering I haven't been on a date in five years, totally forgetting how to act at the movies) but I was super comfortable. I kept my hands in my lap and made sure not to lean towards him. He, on the other hand was completley leaning towards me. Many times, he turned to look at me but I wouldn't look back (being the difficult bitch). I knew he was trying to make eye contact so that we would kiss but I already knew before I came that I wasn't going to kiss him. Half way through out the movie he grabbed my hand and held it, with a tight grip. Caressing his thumb over my fingers.
"Wow"
I was in shock. Not because he held my hand but because no one has ever held my hand. It had been so long since I felt any sort of affection. It was cute and innocent, I allowed it.

Once the movie ended, he took out his hand to walk my down the stairs behind him. BUT- he didn't let go when we got outside. That's right.. he held my hand in front of everyone at the theatre! I even saw someone I knew, and people he knew, but he didn't care. In a way it was awkward because I was not used to it and because well, its our first date.. but I allowed him to do that again because holding hands is harmless.

We walked out to his car and sat there until 4am and fucked. MIND-FUCKED that is. We talked about everything once again.. and it was just perfect! I had my shoes off and feet up on the seat, without a care.. I was comfortable around him. He told me about his sports that he plays and his passion for soccer. He told me about his future plans and talked to me about some of his childhood. By the time we knew it, it was already 3am. So we headed home.

Once we got outside, he unbuckled his seat belt and gave me a big hug. He kissed me on my cheek and then I left to go home. 

Once I got into bed, I recapped the entire night in my head and smiled to myself. I was glad I had finally given him a chance because I normally push men away from me. I closed my eyes that night and did my usual prayers... I still prayed for Rob and his well being. And then for a second my thoughts raced to him... but I chose to dismiss them and told myself that he had already given another man the opportunity to make me smile, and that he was losing me. 

It was weird that I thought of Rob but it was expected.. I was going to compare my first date to Rob. Yes, Mike is amazing.. but obviously he hasn't given me what Rob has.. yet. What will come out of Mike? Time will only tell.. but I'm more than willing to him another date!