Why is it that God has sent me someone who is never there when I need him?
What have I really done that was so bad that I have been punished in such a way. Sometimes I just can't wrap my head around it. The man I'm completley loyal to, would give anything for, the one who has taught me so much.. the one who himself loves me so much.. Why does he always leave me, Why is he kept away from me for so long?
Ok--I get it every relationship teaches you something etc etc.. BUT What I mean is.. Why am I still in love with him? Why has over 5 years passed and NOTHING has changed. Why have I been without him for one year and yet I still get butterflies on every thought of him? "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?"-- Yes it does BUT I was still so madly in love with him whenever I was with him.. We have spent numerous amount of nights together without getting sick of eachother.. It is almost as if our bodies crave to be near each other.
Without boasting- I treat others very well (infact I treat others the way I want to be treated)..I do what I can and it is reciprocated but when it comes to Rob- nothing. And to the people who tell me that I could get anyone I pleased.. well, Why have I not? Why have I not found anyone yet?
Another thing is, I believe in Karma. I cannot do anything without thinking of Karma. For example: I could be talking to a very nice man who I meet somewhere, but i'll stop talking to him.. thinking that if I continue to do so, so will Rob.. and in some way or another I will get hurt.. I know, its insane. I have such a big guilt conceince.. I dont fuck with it. I just feel guilty for doing anything, its kind of annoying but I kind of like it.
But why did God choose ME to do this to? Why couldnt I just be normal and be able to move on and talk to other guys and date other guys.. and go with the flow? Why can't I just see if I am compatible with anyone else and see if I can find someone who is right for me?..........Who knows........
In retrospect- IF I do end up with Rob.. I will see how this time apart was good for us. I have grown and learned a lot..traveled, finished college and became a young professional. But it sucks when I need him....... hes the only one who can make it all better with just one word.. How does he have that much power over me? I hate it but I love it.. I feel like I can face lifes biggest obstacles if he is by my side.. no kidding. THE BIGGEST fears I have in my life, I know I can confront them if I have Rob by my side.. Im not scared to do anything or experience anything with that man.. He makes me invincible.. but he also makes me this WEAK zero dignity girl........... BITTERSWEET.
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