Today I will be crying myself to sleep as I feel so drained. Im laying here in bed trying to sleep but cant stop my tears from hitting the pillow.. I have decided to blog about it instead. I haven't cried in a while but today I just feel so blue. I'm going through a lot of crap right now and I just feel so shitty. I have amazing friends but I dont want to burden them with my problems, its just not fair to them. I have got to deal with this on my own.
I just can't go on faking a smile anymore. A lot of time times I am genuinly happy but most of the time, I'm not. Everyone knows me as a happy-go-lucky, always positive and always happy girl.. but Im far from that. Yes I do always see the glass half full and all that but there are times when I just feel like giving up and don't care anymore.
A lot of the times I maintain being that happy girl around my friends because sometimes they need it too. They need to be ME so I can uplift them as well. I have no problem being hoenst with those close to me and telling them everything as it is.. however, I do have a problem saying no and not being able to help my friends when they need it. Its sad to say but I do put everyone else before me. Its just the way I have always been, and as I get older.. I will only be that way more and more. Being a Mother one day in the future, I'm going to put my babies before me. I guess I'm just stuck in some training.
...Tonight is one of those nights.
Its true that the girl who is always there for everybody.. likes to have someone there for her too. Sometimes I wish the one guy who could ease all my pain would come through. I cannot stand to see him upset, I would always want to be there for him. But then again hes no psychic who knows when I'm going through a hard time. I just like to be treated the way I treat others, thats all.
At the end of the day, Life ain't fair. Sometimes you will get the short-end of the stick and theres not much you can do about it but make the most of what you've got.
Don't get me wrong- I'm very, very independant but there are times that I just wish I had him (or someone) to lean to.. to be all ears for me. To give me that unconditional love that I deserve.
My time clearly isn't now..
Time to go to sleep, alone......Goodnight.
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